I am 42 and Single.....So?

     It almost sounds like I am at some sort of Anon meeting; maybe they should call it Singles Anonymous. ‘Hello. My name is Tim and I am 42 and single.’ That is about the time people give me looks of incredulity as they stare in awe, acting as if they discovered a real alien life form. It used to bother me up until a time rather recently. For years I asked myself: Why am I not married yet?  It has only been since I approached then passed 40 did it cease to be a major concern of mine, if still a concern. I remember my teenage years in High School. As I recall, only the real popular ones that fit in had a ‘girlfriend’. I was always on the outside looking in, so I sure as hell did not qualify. Then I remember my twenties. I call that the ‘the wrong’ period of my life. I had the wrong hairdo, the wrong clothing, the wrong personality, the wrong car, the wrong job, etc. It seemed to me that others were not having this problem. This continued into my thirties as well. I got used to being turned down for dates; to this day, I have a high-energy personality. Don’t get me wrong, hyperactivity is not all bad, but it sure as hell got in the way of me finding someone. Through out this time, I got to see just how vicious and mercenary ladies could be when they set their minds. I asked someone out to a concert, they said yes. I bought the tickets and showed up to pick her up; she did not tell me that her boyfriend was there. Another time, I was told after the ‘date’ she was kind of living with someone. This next one is my all time favorite: I was told by a gal on a date that she was kind of pregnant. All that night, her boyfriend was tailing us; I only found this out after the fact. The same thing occurred online when I started meeting people there. It was only a few years ago that I finally realized that I had reached my point of saturation. You wind up married out of love and mutual respect and trust in your partner to want to grow with you and share the bad times and the good. I realize that I never really had a relationship of meaningful consequence in my life. I do not count the time spent with female companions who were only superficially attracted to me at all. When I thought about this, it was no wonder why I was single at all. It is hard to build trust where none ever existed, harder still to get to know the person if they are only willing to give you stolen moments of time and even then solely for their own amusement, and impossible to arrive at a feeling of love when she only sees you for what goods you can purchase or what havoc she can create. After a while, I started seeing the positive side of the situation. I considered that I could manage my own finances and residence on my own just fine. Since I did not have a family, my expenses were minimal; this came in handy when I finally went to college to get my Bachelors Degree; I got loans for the school, but paid bills by delivering pizza 4 days a week. My neighbor next to me in the four-plex where I lived was a 35 year old Guatemalan divorcee. I lived in this barrio environment for two years. One day I was told that she was interested in me, but that I had to make a lot more money first. That called up a red flag immediately: This woman was a mercenary. What use would I have for someone who not only refused to learn any more English than necessary, but expected to be able to stay at home all day to boot? I admit that I was interested in her until this information was revealed to me. I wanted to learn more and still do; I may go back to school and get my Masters Degree. This gal only wanted to snag a husband and felt that was her only job. How would you feel if you were treated that way? I learned to walk away. Another positive to my situation was that when I decided to move away from Nevada, I only had to ask myself if I wanted to move. The answer was yes. It was a lot of hard work packing everything and making the arrangements, but I am proud to say I did it. Having someone else to help would have been nice, but not necessary. Could it be my independence is a barrier to my finding someone? I do not know, I only know that if the bills were not paid, then I could only blame myself. That may be a hard habit to break. Another question I asked myself was whether or not I was bitter over my experiences? I think I was at one time, but no more. I think in a way the tables have turned; the work I put into learning back then is paying off now; if you wish to catch my eye, intelligence and especially honesty are things I value more than looks. Maybe there is someone out there who would also want to start a family.